What To Do When You Feel Like God Isn't There

Not too long ago (as in, within the past week- let's be honest) I was feeling really down about life. I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions. I have two part-time jobs, extensive church responsibilities, 3 kids age 5 and under, a house to take care of- and my husband's job has been stressful for him, and therefore stressful for me. I felt so maxed out, tired out, wound down, put out, and depressed. Then- our whole family got really sick, except for me. 

And, I'm not talking about your standard cold where 3 days of Motrin gets you back on your feet. We had 9 doctors visits between the 5 of us and the doctors told us there was nothing they could do and that they were scratching their heads over this crazy virus going around. We were tested for the flu and strep. Both came back negative, but that gives you an indication of the severity of our symptoms. The doctors said they'd seen it recently in other people that had come into the clinic and that people look like "death warmed over" for two weeks before things start to improve. 

I instantly became the sole caretaker of 4 very sick people. Days all swirled together. I lost track of time and it felt like no one would ever improve. They had sore throats, fevers, chills, petechiae (from coughing so hard), pinkeye, aches, headaches, ear infections, sinus infections. The coughing fits were so bad at night that I got 3-4 hours of sleep for 8 days straight caring for all of my sick people. The doctor warned us it was likely we would have to make a nighttime E.R. visit if any of our children showed signs of stridor (a loud whooping sound on the inhale between coughs). My husband could barely get out of bed. We took him to urgent care twice because he was having trouble breathing and he could barely stand up. 

Then, on the day things started to improve for everyone else - 10 DAYS INTO THIS MISERY- I finally got a fever. I had never felt so done. I was SO worried about my children, SO worried about my husband, and right when I thought things were looking up -it was my turn. 

I vividly remember feeling so desperately alone. Tears were streaming down my face. My children were playing on the rug and while sitting on the couch I looked up to the ceiling and said out loud, "How can I feel closer to You? When my life is in complete chaos, when I can barely find time to breathe, how can I find peace and know that You are there?" Time slipped away as I watched my children play. I wasn't waiting for an immediate answer, and I knew I probably wouldn't be able to hear it with the noise and happy sounds coming from my children. 

The next day I had to make a run to the store to pick up supplies and more medication. On the way home I had that same question enter my mind. I didn't have to wait long before I heard a thought, clear as day, in my head. "I am always with you. Sometimes you just don't notice." 

I felt like I had been hit with a brick of realization. At that moment I knew that was true. It made so much sense to me. We are here to face challenges, to grow, to have hard times. God is there even when life is not easy. We are not going to feel GOOD all the time. We aren't here for that purpose. 

We are here to have a human experience. To feel alone, to feel frustrated, to worry. We are also here to love, to help, to grow, to learn. God will never leave us alone. And, if we take the time to notice- even if it's on a quiet drive to the grocery store, late at night after the kids go to bed, on the commute to work, walking to your next class on a college campus, on your walk to the mailbox- He WILL let you face trials. He WILL allow you to feel like no one knows what you've been through. He WILL let you be sad. He WILL let you experience heartbreak. He WILL let you feel completely pushed to your very limit. But- God loves you SO VERY MUCH, and He will NEVER leave you alone. 

If you feel that way, realize that you are the one creating the distance, and figure out how to get back. God is unchanging, ever present, always loving, and most importantly- ALWAYS there.